Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Common mistakes made by men during sex (Part I)

Coitus Unpleasurablis

Many men think that sex is instinctive and is something that just happens naturally. But, leaving your woman fully satisfied takes hard work and practise. You have to know what you are doing, or where you are going, for it to be an enjoyable experience for your lucky lady. There are common mistakes made by the most practised and experienced of men, that they have gotten away with for many years, because women just lay back and pretend to enjoy it. The odd moan here and there while you are thinking of how you want to redo your lounge curtains is enough to keep a man pumping away. Well, the time has come for some honesty here. Men need to know that certain things they do that cause us to moan in frustration, or cry out in pain, are not signs that we are voicing our pleasure. If we don't tell them, they'll never know. Who cares about their fragile little egos, and that the truth might cause instant hydraulic failure. They need to know the truth, and I have volunteered to be the one to tell them. So, here it is.

Mistake numero uno - Going straight for the naughty bits

You give a little kiss, for you that might be the only foreplay, get them threads off and voila! Dive straight in. Guys, a kiss is not foreplay. We want more than that. Kiss + clothing removal DOES NOT = lubrication. Goodness, what are you men thinking? Just think of us as ice maidens that need to be warmed up first. And I mean, seriously warmed up. Some of you men think you are open cast mining and go straight for the hole. Others, have this fixation with the nipples. Licking and sucking is pleasurable, but sucking on them like a 3 month old baby who slept through the night for the first time and wakes up starving? That's not on. Nipples are sensitive, and if you give them callouses they'll stop working.

Mistake Number Two - Tonsil Hockey

For some men kissing is like playing a game of tonsil hockey. They think the deeper they stick in their tongue, the more sexy it is. Some of us do have the gag reflex, you know! Passionate kissing is an art form and something that you have to practise. A lot. Sticking a tongue in a mouth and using to try and floss the other person's teeth is not kissing.

Mistake Number Three - Uncalled for workmanlike behaviour

You might like women to use a bit of force when grabbing your golden banana, but when you use force on us it is extremely unpleasurable. In fact, it is quite painful. The clitoris has twice as many nerves as the penis, and they are all centred in a very small area. In fact, so small, it might be very hard to find. But finding it is not an expedition where you have to wear your wellington boots. Finding the clitoris is another art form. Most women know where theirs is, so just ask them to guide you. And when you do find it, don't treat it like Shakespeare with his, "Out damn spot." It's also not like shoes that you have to polish hard to make them shine. No matter how hard you polish the clitoris, it will never shine. Ever. What you will do with your rough workmanlike polishing or rubbing technique, will be to make it so painful and sensitive, that it will momentarily lose its ability to create pleasant sensations. And when that happens, the surrounding area becomes dessicated like coconut.

Mistake Number Four - Doing an Interview with a Vampire personation

Giving someone a hickey is not putting a mark on them. It's what teenagers do because they don't know better. It is not sexy, it is not erotic, and if someone tries to do that to me, I might accidentally knee them in the crotch. The same with nibbling on ears. Frankly, if someone touches me behind my neck or touches my ears I get cold shivers. So if you bite my ear, I'm afraid it's the death penalty, mister. You are not a vampire. Being eaten by another human being is what cannibals do. We have evolved from that. I remember when I worked on a racehorse stud farm, the over-excited stallion bit the mare on the neck, and she lashed out and kicked him in the gonads. And they were animals and it wasn't acceptable.

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